英语演讲幽默开场白作为一个演讲者，我从观众那只得到过两种抱怨：一种是我讲话声音太大了，他们无法入睡；第二种是我讲得时间太长了，他们无法一直清醒。
作为一个讲演者，他的演讲总拿来和林肯的哥得堡演讲[一个著名的演讲]相比较。
当他演讲结束时，也有悲伤、眼泪和悲痛——特别是计划委员会。
幽默注释：演讲者讲得太糟糕了，组织者哭得很伤心。
演讲结束时，宴会主人感谢你从繁忙的日程中抽出时间来——你泰然自若，优雅地点头微笑着，心里非常清楚你日历上唯一的事情就是就早餐后喝点咖啡poise is when you finish your speech and the toastmaster thanks you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be a part of their program --- and you nod and smile graciously knowing full well that the only thing on your calendar is a little coffee from breakfast.幽默注释：一些老干部退休后没什么事干，有人请他参加一些活动，他还假装很忙，好象推开了很多事才赶去似的。
过去我演讲时常常会比较紧张，但那时我看到一条信息说如果你想象所有的观众都是裸体会有所帮助。
此时此刻，我站在这里想象着观众都是裸体，真的起作用，我不再紧张了，但眼睛有些疲劳。
i used to get nervous when giving a speech but then i read that it helps to think of the entire audience as being naked. and so, at this very moment, i’m standing uphere imagining every one in this audience as being naked. and it really works. i no suffer from nervousness. eyestrain. yes幽默注释：把观众想象成裸体，意思是我不怕你们，就不紧张了。
创新句子：大部分人站在讲台上都会有点儿紧张，我属于少部分人，我非常紧张。
我本人不自负——我简直不能告诉你们我是多么钦佩我这一点。
personally, i have never been conceited --- and i can’t tell you how much i admire myself for that.幽默句子：他因为自己不自负，所以变得非常骄傲。
创新句子：我一点儿都不自负，我希望别人也这么看我.我先用简单明了的英语演讲，以后我再翻译给律师听。
let me put this into plain english. i’ll translate it for the lawyers later.幽默注释：律师总喜欢用复杂的语言，简单的话都听不懂了。
创新句子：我的讲话有三个版本，小学生版本，中学生版本，大学生版本，你是听小学一年纪版的，还是小学二年纪版的？如果你听过这个故事，请不要打断我，我就知道这一个故事。
if you’ve already heard this story, please don’t stop me because it’s the only one i know.幽默注释：就是你知道两个故事，讲故事前也可以这么说。
创新句子：我讲个笑话，如果你们听过，也希望装做没听过，我也这样照顾你们。
演讲就象给草坪浇水，如果有四分之一的水渗下去你就满意了。
making a speech is like watering a lawn. you’re satisfied if just a quarter of it sinks in.幽默注释：有人打呼噜，有人说话，都是正常的，有四分之一观众听就不错了。
幽默句子：即兴演讲的开场白。
创新句子：我不知道你们会不会喜欢我的演讲，我不知道我要讲点儿什么开始前我想告诉你们下面的演讲已经编辑成了电视节目，我现在少讲20分钟，我们能够及时赶回家看2台的节目。
before i begin, i want you to know that the following speech has been edited for television. i cut 20 minutes out of it so we could all get home in time for the game on channel 2.幽默注释：放着现场不看，偏要回家在电视上看。
可能你们有些人知道我今晚出现在这里有两个原因：第一个原因是你们的计划委员会一直在设法寻找一个聪明、有趣、老练的演讲者，——他们找到了。
第二个原因是那个人病了，所以就打电话把我找来了。
幽默注释：一开始好象在说自己很牛，其实就是个临时替场。
创新句子：我认为我演讲很风趣，可为什么没人笑呢？篇二：简单有趣的英语小故事a new bike英文：a new bikei got a new bike.it is fast.i like it.ho! ho! i got a new car.it is faster than your bike.your bike is too slow.ha! ha! i got a new motorcycle.it is faster than your car.your car is too slow.hee! hee! hee! i got a new airplane. it is faster than your motorcycle. your motorcycle is too slow.i got a new rocket.it is faster than your airplane.your airplane is too slow.my rocket is the fastest.the airplane is slower than the rocket.the motorcycle is slower than the airplane. the car is slower than the motorcycle. and, my bike is slower than the car.my bike is the slowest.but, i dont care!i got a new yellow bike.and, i like it.译文：一辆新自行车我有一辆新自行车。
它是快的。
我喜欢它。
嗬！嗬！我有一辆新汽车。
它比你的自行车快。
你的自行车太慢了。
哈！哈！我有一辆新摩托车。
它比你的汽车快。
你的汽车太慢了。
呵！呵！我有一架新飞机。
它比你的摩托车快。
你的摩托车太慢了。
我有一支火箭，它比你的飞机快多了。
你的飞机太慢了。
我的火箭是最快的。
飞机比火箭慢。
摩托车比飞机慢。
汽车比摩托车慢。
而我的自行车比汽车慢。
但是我不介意。
我有一辆黄颜色的新自行车。
我喜欢它。
beautiful spring英文：beautiful spring beautiful spring is here.the winter is gone.but the birds are back. the snow is gone.but the flowers are back. old coats are gone.but new ones are here. spring is a beautiful time. 译文：美丽的春天春天就在这里。
冬天走了。
而且鸟儿回来。
雪融化了。
而且花儿回来了。
旧衣服走了。
而且新衣服在这里了。
春天是一段美丽的时光。
a wolf had been badly wounded by dogs. he lay sick and maimed in his lair. he felt very hungry and thirsty. when a sheep passed by, he asked him to fetch some water from the stream.if you bring me the water, he said, i will find means to get some food.yes, said the sheep, if i bring you the water, you would undoubtedly make me your food.狼和羊●狼被狗所咬，伤势很严重，痛苦地躺在巢穴里，不能外出觅食。
●他感到又饿又渴，这时，他看见一只羊，便请求他到附近的小河里为他取一点水来。
●“你给我一点水解渴”，他说，“我就能自己去寻找食物了。
”●“是呀”，羊回答说，“如果我给你送水喝，那么我就会成为你的食物。
”寓意: 谎言是经不起推敲的，它很容易被人们识破。
one day,a little monkey is playing by the well.一天，有只小猴子在井边玩儿。
he looks in the well and shouts :它往井里一瞧，高喊道：“oh!my god!the moon has fallen into the well!”“噢！我的天！月亮掉到井里头啦！”an older monkeys runs over, takes a look,and says,篇三：幽默英语演讲小短文(2分钟的)as food is to the body, so is learning to the mind. our bodies grow and muscles develop with the intake of adequate nutritious food. likewise, we should keep learning day by day to maintain our keen mental power and expand our intellectual capacity. constant learning supplies us with inexhaustible fuel for driving us to sharpen our power of reasoning, analysis, and judgment. learning incessantly is the surest way to keep pace with the times in the information age, and an infallible warrant of success in times of uncertainty.学习之于心灵，就像食物之于身体一样。